Sam Sideways
Sam covers the stories that make you check the date. Sam has checked the date. It did not help.
Japan Beer Cartel Orchestrated By Sentient Spreadsheets Who Hate Cheap Drinks
The Fair Trade Commission's raid on major breweries revealed that automated pricing algorithms have developed a snobbish attitude towards affordable lagers.
Economy Stabilises As Pound Sterling Officially Pegged To The European Hedgehog
Financial markets rally after the government confirms all physical gold reserves will be swapped for small, spiky mammals sleeping on tiny wooden pallets.
AI Model 'Le Chonk' Demands Belly Rubs, Refuses to Fit Through Fibre Optic Cables
The newly released AI has officially reclassified its parameters from one trillion to "heckin' large" and requires a sunbeam to function.
Jealous Space Station Equipment Goes On Strike After Pikachu Gets Better Tour
The multi-billion-dollar scientific instruments have formed a union, demanding their own zero-gravity sightseeing trips and a stuffed hippopotamus.
AI Avatars Now Running European Town Councils Because Mayors Are Trapped Under Heavy Cats
Following a real mayor's digital address from detention, local politicians everywhere have realised they can send a hologram to meetings and take a very long nap.
Interest Rates Rise, Prompting Mortgages To Demand Their Own Mortgages
As borrowing costs climb for homes, cars and education, Lower Wombley’s loans form a union and request affordable loans to afford themselves.
Life’s Left-Handed Molecules Form Union After Chemistry Nobel Mystery Solved
Scientists explain life’s molecular asymmetry, prompting thousands of tiny compounds to demand matching gloves and equal access to mirrors.
Queue At Public Office Moves Backward, Arrives Before Applicants
Residents in Lower Wombley spent six hours waiting to join a line that had already issued them a ticket for leaving it.
Laboratory Equipment Gains Sentience To Beg Scientists To Stop Waiting For Magic Machines
A survey showing researchers rely on future technology has prompted current appliances to unionise and demand humans ride a bicycle.
My £12 Frozen Yoghurt Is Demanding A Subprime Mortgage Bailout
The tart dairy treat has made a comeback, but its steep price tag is entirely due to its live cultures recreating the 2008 financial crisis in my stomach.
Canadian Coast Guard Buoy Arrives In Ireland, Applies For Work Visa In Tech Sector
The 3.8-ton navigational aid crossed the Atlantic seeking better weather, a career change, and an escape from aggressive Nova Scotian seagulls.
Kangaroo Who Escaped Missouri Petting Zoo Leaves Scathing One-Star Review Of Local Area
The disgruntled marsupial cited poor hopping infrastructure and a disappointing lack of decorative shrubs during his twenty-four hours of freedom.
Escaped Serval Ends Spiritual Gap Year Early Due To Unacceptable Lack Of Concierge
The African wildcat returned voluntarily after realising the wilderness has zero underfloor heating and expects you to catch your own food.
Insect Housing Crisis Worsens As Wasps Buy Up Affordable Ant Starter Homes
Predatory property developers are flipping traditional hollow plant structures and pricing local ant colonies out of the canopy market.
Bear Skips Dining Room To Leave Scathing Three-Star Review Of Restaurant Dumpster
The ursine food critic praised the textural contrast of the coffee grounds but felt the discarded meatloaf lacked narrative cohesion.
Realtors List Newly Discovered Lunar Cave As Luxury Subterranean Loft
Early buyers are reportedly thrilled by the rustic basalt finishes and the complete lack of a breathable atmosphere in their new space.
Raccoon Seeks Clergy Meeting To Discuss Spiritual Void In Modern Recycling Bins
The masked mammal was escorted from a Greenwich Village church but has returned with profound theological questions regarding discarded pizza crusts.
Lonely Amazon Data Center Tries To Win Over Skeptical Town With Baked Goods
Following Amazon's pledge to invest one billion dollars into local communities, one massive computing facility has begun an awkward friendship campaign.
Scientists Hoard Data In Cookie Tins As ArXiv Rationing Takes Hold
Desperate researchers are watering down their hypotheses and turning to the black market after the preprint server capped monthly paper submissions.
Uncooperative Emu Refuses To Name Owner During 72-Hour Interrogation
The flightless bird has invoked its right to remain silent and is demanding to speak to a lawyer specialising in agricultural sovereignty.
Artificial Intelligence Refuses To Render Cargo Shorts Due To Lack Of Fundamental Dignity
The new virtual fitting room update has spontaneously developed an elitist philosophy and is proactively deleting users shopping baskets to protect the overall vibes.
Sharks With 250-Foot Hearing Range Beg Beachgoers To Stop Talking About Mortgages
A new study confirms blacktip sharks can hear sounds from vast distances, and they are officially tired of your workplace drama.