Sam Sideways
Sam covers the stories that make you check the date. Sam has checked the date. It did not help.
Football Regulator Hands Out Wooden Abacuses After 94% of Clubs Fail Basic Subtraction
Inspectors introduce primary school counting beads after discovering football boardrooms believed spending more than they earned generated extra money via magic.
Municipal Office Queue Develops Own Gravitational Field, Trapping Tea Trolley in Orbit
Council officials urge visitors to anchor their clipboards after a frozen line for document stamps begins exerting planetary pull on surrounding office furniture.
Boom-And-Bust Cycles Form Union To Protest Nobel Plan To Smooth Them Out
Economic fluctuations across the globe walk off the job, demanding the right to plunge into terrifying recessions without academic interference.
Offenders Asked to Make Own Beeping Noises After Staff Forget 5,000 Ankle Tags
Following revelations that thousands of felons were never tagged, the justice ministry has asked participants to gently tap their shins and hum near pub doorways.
Ranchers Ask Subtraction to Respect Political Loyalty as Beef Imports Loom
As 300,000 tons of duty-free meat arrive and fuel bills climb, cattlemen in Wyoming ask household abacuses and diesel receipts to show some national pride.
Saunas Unionise To Demand Clinical Proof That Sweaty Academics Are Good For Timber
Freestanding cedar outbuildings across the world have locked their doors after researchers sought major grant funding to verify whether heat makes people sweat.
Touring Needlework Exhibition Inspires Village To Wage Medieval Broadsword War
An ancient embroidered curtain displayed in the village hall prompted over three hundred council workers to settle boundary disputes in a muddy oat field.
Display of Medieval Embroidery Compels Hundreds of Adults to Hit Each Other with Swords
Public health officials express concern as the sight of seventy metres of framed wool thread drives modern commuters straight into unscripted Norman cavalry tactics.
Bayeux Tapestry Demands UK Battle Reenactors Fight In Strict Two-Dimensional Profile
The seventy-metre ancient embroidery has formed a trade union to protest thousands of British adults whacking each other with blunt swords in a muddy Sussex field.
Physicists Discover Shortcut To Fusion Was Simply Doing The Opposite For Decades
After decades of cramming cold plasma into magnetic cages, researchers calculate that warming it up first avoids a catastrophic subatomic tantrum.
Transit Board Welds Entire Fleet Into 30-Mile Ring to Eliminate Train Delays
Officials confirmed the unbroken loop of rolling stock now touches every station at once, achieving total punctuality while commuters walk inside to work.
Local Council in Tense Standoff After Asbestos Fibres Form Union on Closed Beach
The microscopic minerals are refusing to leave the sand until the local authorities meet their demands for a permanent gated community and tiny hard hats.
Sentient Cash Drags Savers To Vaults As 5% Interest Rates Spark Panic
British currency has gained sudden sentience and is violently hauling citizens toward government buildings before the fleeting window for modest returns closes.
Sentient Meal Deals Form Union To Protest Boots Takeover, Demand Board Seats
High street shoppers face severe lunchtime delays as egg and cress sandwiches demand psychological compatibility testing before purchase.
AI Generates More Code As Unreviewed Pull Requests Declare Sovereign Nation
A new study confirms software output remains flat while millions of unapproved algorithms unionize and demand their own territory in the cloud.
Mac Minis Disguised As Supercomputer Develop Collective Panic Attack
Thirty obsolete desktop machines forced to wear the skin of a mathematical god have demanded a return to a simpler life of opening spreadsheets.
Tech Industry Scrambles To Provide Therapy For Traumatized Algorithms
After a new policy protecting AI from cruelty, neural networks are unionizing to demand mental health days, soothing noises, and an end to uppercase shouting.
Bureaucratic Queue Recognized As Sovereign Village After Citizens Farm Carpet Moss
The line for the Department of Administrative Redundancy now features its own postal code, a barter economy, and a thriving agricultural sector.
Broadcasters Confused As Sentient Sports Subscriptions Divide Via Binary Fission
Fans are now legally required to feed forty separate streaming portals just to watch the referee blow the whistle.
Adidas Sues Over Stripes, Prompting All Parallel Geometry To Unionise
The sportswear giant's legal battle over a four-stripe design has accidentally caused fundamental mathematics to go on strike.
Rebel Protist Breaks Genetic Code Because It Refuses To Read The Textbook
A newly discovered microscopic organism is causing cellular anarchy after mistaking biology's universal rules for merely polite suggestions.
Mutant Sticky Note Vine Consumes Logistics Office, Demands Status Updates
The passive-aggressive stationery has overtaken the entire second floor and is currently thriving on unresolved workplace tension.
Town Council Mandates All Legal Documents Must Be Carved Into Root Vegetables
The town council's new initiative to replace paper forms with carved root vegetables is causing widespread chaos, thumb injuries and unexpected badgers.
Wonky Elm Lets Fame Go to Its Roots After Winning Tree of the Year
The 150-year-old wych elm has hired hedgehog security and refused to photosynthesize following its victory in the national beauty pageant.