Unpopular opinion: working from home is a scam just as big as self-checkouts
The so-called convenience of remote work is just another way for the corporate machine to make me buy my own toilet paper and supply my own awkward silences.
Software Update Accidentally Converts Passive-Aggressive Emails Into Live Geese
Employees at a local logistics firm are currently using filing cabinets to defend against a flock of swans generated by the phrase 'friendly reminder'.
My Sources Say My Sources Are Excellent
An exclusive look inside the most trusted network in journalism: me, asking myself.
Scientists Confirm Mondays Are 14% Longer Than Other Days
The study, which took several Mondays to complete, found the extra time is “mostly spent in the morning.”
Marathon Cancelled After Runners Agree It Is “Quite Far”
Organizers will instead hold a 400-metre stroll with snacks at the halfway point.
Parliament Passes Bill Requiring All Bills to Be Shorter
The legislation ran 1,200 pages and has officially been referred back to itself for further review.
Scientists Hoard Spare Hypotheses As Global Paper Rationing Plunges Campuses Into Chaos
Desperate researchers are trading laboratory equipment for black market publication slots after a strict two-thought monthly limit was imposed on new discoveries.
Dishwasher Wins Local Election on “Clean Hands” Platform
The appliance ran unopposed after its only rival, a blender, was ruled too loud to campaign.
I Have Not Read the Article, and Here Is What I Think About It
A column about reading, by someone who has strong feelings about not doing it.
Correlation Is Causation if You Believe Hard Enough
Every time I write a column, it gets dark outside. I rest my case.