Unpopular opinion: Leaving A Group Chat Without A Formal Speech Should Be Banned
If you cannot stand before your digital peers and explain why the casserole photos offended you, you must remain in the conversation forever.
Study Finds Microwave Ovens Heat Food By Rotating Entire Universe Around The Mug
Astrophysicists confirm that countertop appliances do not spin your dinner, but instead violently heave the cosmos around a stationary bowl of lukewarm stew.
Touring Needlework Exhibition Inspires Village To Wage Medieval Broadsword War
An ancient embroidered curtain displayed in the village hall prompted over three hundred council workers to settle boundary disputes in a muddy oat field.
Transit Board Welds Entire Fleet Into 30-Mile Ring to Eliminate Train Delays
Officials confirmed the unbroken loop of rolling stock now touches every station at once, achieving total punctuality while commuters walk inside to work.
My Smart Trousers Are Demanding A Firmware Update Before I Can Bend My Knees
We put microchips in cotton blends, but nobody stopped to ask what happens when your pants decide you need a posture patch while crossing the street.
Time Travel Pager Used Exclusively To Send Petty Complaints Five Minutes Into The Past
Early adopters of the groundbreaking tachyon device are completely wasting the miracle of time travel to text themselves about stubbed toes and spilled coffee.
Unpopular Opinion: Step Counters Are A Scam As Big As The Shoelace Industry
I refuse to let a judgmental piece of plastic tell me when to stand up, especially when my sofa is offering zero resistance.
Physics Society Turns Off Gravity For Summer Fete To Boost Ticket Sales
Organisers of the Upper Dipley village festival confirm that switching off the laws of classical mechanics has been a huge success, despite the floating sheep.
The Regional Middle Management League Has Completely Lost Its Way
As a lifelong fan of professional synergising, I cannot sit by and watch these rookies ruin the sport with actual productivity.
Bureaucratic Queue Recognized As Sovereign Village After Citizens Farm Carpet Moss
The line for the Department of Administrative Redundancy now features its own postal code, a barter economy, and a thriving agricultural sector.
My Children Have Spontaneously Formed A Hive Mind And It Is Ruining Our Weekends
The sheer volume of telepathic chatter during breakfast is making it impossible for me to read the morning paper in peace.
Unpopular opinion: Air fryers are a scam as big as the electric spoon
The bestselling appliance is nothing more than a noisy plastic box that uses wind and pure intimidation to bully our potatoes into submission.
Scientists Discover Corporate Jargon Generates Subatomic Particles That Alter Room Gravity
The newly identified 'Meetingon' particle is created by corporate buzzwords and physically traps employees in their chairs by increasing the mass of the room.
Sportswear Giant Sues Shop Over Unlicensed Use Of A Fourth Stripe
Lawyers argue that four parallel lines is just three parallel lines hiding behind a decoy, demanding immediate destruction of the offending cushions.
Local Hovering Festival Ruined By Athletes Floating Unprofessionally High
Sports columnist Gary Opinions reports on a disastrous weekend in Greater Snodbury, where a complete lack of gravity led to the worst sporting event of the season.
My Smart Appliances Have Unionised And I Am Locked Out Of The Kitchen
Modern technology was supposed to make life easier, but my toaster is demanding a pension plan and the fridge is on a sympathy strike.
Mutant Sticky Note Vine Consumes Logistics Office, Demands Status Updates
The passive-aggressive stationery has overtaken the entire second floor and is currently thriving on unresolved workplace tension.
Unpopular opinion: E-scooters are a scam to sell us more wind
Our columnist Gary Opinions exposes the sinister meteorological agenda behind the electric scooter craze, and demands we return to the era of walking very slowly.
Town Council Mandates All Legal Documents Must Be Carved Into Root Vegetables
The town council's new initiative to replace paper forms with carved root vegetables is causing widespread chaos, thumb injuries and unexpected badgers.
Scientists Discover Localized Black Hole Caused By Overlapping Calendar Invites
Researchers confirm that attempting to find a mutually agreeable time for a brief alignment chat can completely destroy the fabric of spacetime.
The Fitted Sheet Crisis Threatens The Very Fabric Of Our Nation
Every night, millions of citizens are violently awakened by a rogue elasticated corner, and it is time for emergency measures to be taken before we lose our minds.
Neighbourhood Association Requires Clouds To Submit Permits Before Raining
The Maple Heights residents' committee insists that local precipitation must complement the approved beige colour palette of the subdivision.
Queue At Public Office Moves Backward, Arrives Before Applicants
Residents in Lower Wombley spent six hours waiting to join a line that had already issued them a ticket for leaving it.
Unpopular opinion: QR-code menus should be banned
Linda Sources argues that scanning dinner is an avoidable ritual invented by tiny rectangles with suspicious confidence.