Heathrow Third Runway Debate Promoted To Permanent National Weather System
Ministers back growth while the runway question enters an exciting new phase of consultation, paperwork and mild atmospheric humming.
Supermarket Freezers Demand Recognition After Being Turned Into Slow Cookers
A cyberattack raised refrigeration temperatures across hundreds of French supermarkets, prompting the appliances to form a surprisingly organised labour movement.
British Forecasters Alarmed By Suspiciously Pleasant Autumn
With no named storms yet this season, weather experts have begun preparing emergency complaints and a ceremonial wind sock.
Scrapple Sculptors Warn Breakfast Mush Itself Is Becoming Too Competitive
Artists at Philadelphia's annual scrapple contest discovered their raw material had formed a union and was demanding smaller spoons.
Googlebooks Arrive, Prompting Laptop Apps To Demand More Elbow Room
Premium Android laptops have entered the market, where one local keyboard is already negotiating for weekends and a larger cup holder.
Devolution Plan Escalates As Every Roundabout Demands Its Own Parliament
A speech on sharing power has inspired a government blueprint in which even traffic islands can legislate on ceremonial paving.
Brewers Reach World Series, Prompt Immediate Unionisation Of All Price Tags
Milwaukee’s 6-4 comeback inspired every object in baseball to demand representation, snacks and a strict no-sweeping policy.
Ancient Bell’s ‘Bong’ Confirmed After Supercomputers Consult the Bell Itself
Modal analysis suggests the Liberty Bell sounded like a bong, prompting an immediate inquiry into its emotional needs.
Automaker Unveils Plan To Save Money By Charging More For Cars
By Sam Sideways: A mid-engined concept sends the motor industry into an exciting new era of fewer vehicles and larger invoices.
Council Saves Estates After Office Reshuffle Accidentally Awakens Concrete
Two south London housing estates have survived demolition, prompting nearby paving slabs to demand union recognition and a ceremonial tea break.
Britain Passes Peak Sheep, Enters Uncharted Wool Territory
As sheep numbers and lamb consumption fall, the nation’s remaining flock has formed a committee to discuss what happens next.
European Football Launches Search For Literally Anyone To Challenge Infantino
Officials say the hunt is progressing well, after three footballs, a stapler and an unusually determined pigeon entered the process.
Cannons Demand Union Recognition After First-Class Helicopter Joyride
Three corroded castle cannons have reportedly discovered workplace rights, luxury travel and an intense dislike of ordinary maintenance.
Voters Unite Around One Simple Demand: Make The Servers Stop Humming
Backlash over America’s expanding AI data centres has crossed party lines, species lines and, briefly, the line into sentient office equipment.
Hospitality Offers 100,000 Jobs, Mostly To People Who Can Carry Six Pints
A real youth employment scheme has been expanded into a bizarre national trial involving sentient menus, unionised bar stools and one extremely formal gravy boat.
Venus Missions Celebrate By Packing Their Own Melt-Proof Lunches
DAVINCI and VERITAS are back on track for the early 2030s, when their equipment will bravely encounter the planet’s famously hostile welcome.
Sea Vomit-Sniffing Dog Wins Animal Of The Year, Triggers Emergency Bureaucracy
Sgiath’s marine detective work has inspired a government department, three confused seals and one deeply emotional filing cabinet.
Driving Test Queue Declares Independence After Waiting Time Falls To 19.7 Weeks
Officials hailed a historic improvement before the queue formed a government, appointed a minister and demanded its own parking space.
Loose Horses And Donkey Halt Texas Traffic For Emergency Rodeo
Two horses and a donkey wandering near Interstate 35 were secured, then reportedly demanded hazard pay and a smaller roundabout.
Britain’s China Policy Replaced By A Very Large Confused Panda
A report found a lack of expertise in Whitehall, prompting officials to outsource foreign policy to an animal that has never read a briefing.
AI Job Applicants And Corporate Bots Enter Cautious War Of Paperwork
A real recruitment problem has escalated into a fictional labour dispute involving sentient CVs, hostile algorithms and one furious spreadsheet.
Regulators Discover Sofa Cannot Be 70% Off Forever
A £6m penalty has prompted the nation's imaginary price tags to demand recognition as sentient financial participants.
London Cat’s Dinner Raid Triggers International Feline Labour Dispute
A cat ate a dog’s dinner on camera, then apparently caused every household object in Britain to demand a lunch break.
Language Learners Urged To Replace Meaning With Vigorous Honking
A study linking precise hearing with better pronunciation has prompted Lower Wombley to declare war on understandable speech.