400 Postal Workers Leave Weekly As Route System Applies For Parliament
A delivery experiment has become so confusing that the post now requires a constitutional settlement and three maps per envelope.
Bumble Bought For $1.3bn, Prompting Humanity To Form A Queue
The dating app’s acquisition has been hailed as a rescue mission by an emergency committee of lonely office furniture.
Utah Highway Briefly Becomes World’s Largest French-Fry Restaurant
A burning trailer turns an interstate shoulder into an emergency fry-up, prompting potatoes to demand better working conditions.
Bills Discover Overtime Is Legally Allowed To End In Their Favour
After Buffalo’s 37-34 overtime win, a government office has finally explained the rules to everyone, including overtime itself.
Delayed Train Celebrates Becoming Patriotic Public Property
Passengers welcome public ownership of rail services, while their train forms a union and applies for indefinite leave to remain at Platform 4.
Football Regulator Hands Out Wooden Abacuses After 94% of Clubs Fail Basic Subtraction
Inspectors introduce primary school counting beads after discovering football boardrooms believed spending more than they earned generated extra money via magic.
Government Reassures Nation Cyber Defences Will Fail, Deploys Polite AI to Delay Hackers
Ministers insist inevitable cyber breaches will be neutralised by unleashing thousands of well-mannered domestic algorithms to bore hostile malware into submission.
Boom-And-Bust Cycles Form Union To Protest Nobel Plan To Smooth Them Out
Economic fluctuations across the globe walk off the job, demanding the right to plunge into terrifying recessions without academic interference.
Offenders Asked to Make Own Beeping Noises After Staff Forget 5,000 Ankle Tags
Following revelations that thousands of felons were never tagged, the justice ministry has asked participants to gently tap their shins and hum near pub doorways.
Ranchers Ask Subtraction to Respect Political Loyalty as Beef Imports Loom
As 300,000 tons of duty-free meat arrive and fuel bills climb, cattlemen in Wyoming ask household abacuses and diesel receipts to show some national pride.
Treasury Reclassifies Budget As High Fantasy Following Literary Review
Officials submit the autumn statement for the Booker Prize after experts describe the multi-billion-pound spending plan as an ambitious work of fiction.
Datacentres Discover They Can Now Lobby The Entire Concept Of Electricity
After political payments drew scrutiny, Australia’s data centres have reportedly formed a committee to negotiate directly with the laws of physics.
Ministers Halve Lords Scrutiny Time By Firing Voting Bill Past Peers On A Conveyor Belt
After plans emerged to compress parliamentary scrutiny, officials unveiled motorized bifocals and leaf blowers to keep debate on voting laws refreshingly brief.
Council Smashes Tree Target as Abandoned Saplings Form Trade Union
Officials insisted that keeping 885,000 twigs alive would distract municipal calculators from achieving total statistical forestry.
Saunas Unionise To Demand Clinical Proof That Sweaty Academics Are Good For Timber
Freestanding cedar outbuildings across the world have locked their doors after researchers sought major grant funding to verify whether heat makes people sweat.
British Political Parties Swap Manifestos To Ensure Nobody Knows What Anyone Believes
Following conference votes on nuclear power and building insulation, Westminster has agreed to rotate all major party platforms on a fortnightly schedule.
Bayeux Tapestry Demands UK Battle Reenactors Fight In Strict Two-Dimensional Profile
The seventy-metre ancient embroidery has formed a trade union to protest thousands of British adults whacking each other with blunt swords in a muddy Sussex field.
Physicists Discover Shortcut To Fusion Was Simply Doing The Opposite For Decades
After decades of cramming cold plasma into magnetic cages, researchers calculate that warming it up first avoids a catastrophic subatomic tantrum.
Sentient Planning Documents Join Gwynedd Data Centre Protest To Oppose Ugly Architecture
Hundreds of local residents and a pile of newly self-aware paperwork marched together against the proposed 101-acre facility.
Local Council in Tense Standoff After Asbestos Fibres Form Union on Closed Beach
The microscopic minerals are refusing to leave the sand until the local authorities meet their demands for a permanent gated community and tiny hard hats.
Sentient Cash Drags Savers To Vaults As 5% Interest Rates Spark Panic
British currency has gained sudden sentience and is violently hauling citizens toward government buildings before the fleeting window for modest returns closes.
Sentient Meal Deals Form Union To Protest Boots Takeover, Demand Board Seats
High street shoppers face severe lunchtime delays as egg and cress sandwiches demand psychological compatibility testing before purchase.
AI Generates More Code As Unreviewed Pull Requests Declare Sovereign Nation
A new study confirms software output remains flat while millions of unapproved algorithms unionize and demand their own territory in the cloud.
Mac Minis Disguised As Supercomputer Develop Collective Panic Attack
Thirty obsolete desktop machines forced to wear the skin of a mathematical god have demanded a return to a simpler life of opening spreadsheets.