Politics-ish
Governments, councils and committees doing their best, which is the problem.
Passengers Celebrate As Delayed Train Becomes Proudly Public Property
Rail nationalisation remains popular, even as delays and cancellations give passengers a fresh reason to inspect the timetable emotionally.
Delayed Train Celebrates Becoming Patriotic Public Property
Passengers welcome public ownership of rail services, while their train forms a union and applies for indefinite leave to remain at Platform 4.
Government Reassures Nation Cyber Defences Will Fail, Deploys Polite AI to Delay Hackers
Ministers insist inevitable cyber breaches will be neutralised by unleashing thousands of well-mannered domestic algorithms to bore hostile malware into submission.
Local Tug-Of-War Club Accidentally Drags Neighbouring Parish Four Hundred Yards West
Emergency border talks opened after a contested weekend heave wedged a village duck pond into a municipal car park.
Government Insists Defence Pledges Completely Realistic If Someone Lends £35bn
Officials maintain the military budget is mathematically watertight, apart from the small remaining requirement to borrow thirty-five billion pounds before Tuesday.
Treasury Reclassifies Budget As High Fantasy Following Literary Review
Officials submit the autumn statement for the Booker Prize after experts describe the multi-billion-pound spending plan as an ambitious work of fiction.
Datacentres Discover They Can Now Lobby The Entire Concept Of Electricity
After political payments drew scrutiny, Australia’s data centres have reportedly formed a committee to negotiate directly with the laws of physics.
Ministers Halve Lords Scrutiny Time By Firing Voting Bill Past Peers On A Conveyor Belt
After plans emerged to compress parliamentary scrutiny, officials unveiled motorized bifocals and leaf blowers to keep debate on voting laws refreshingly brief.
Council Smashes Tree Target as Abandoned Saplings Form Trade Union
Officials insisted that keeping 885,000 twigs alive would distract municipal calculators from achieving total statistical forestry.
British Political Parties Swap Manifestos To Ensure Nobody Knows What Anyone Believes
Following conference votes on nuclear power and building insulation, Westminster has agreed to rotate all major party platforms on a fortnightly schedule.
Sentient Planning Documents Join Gwynedd Data Centre Protest To Oppose Ugly Architecture
Hundreds of local residents and a pile of newly self-aware paperwork marched together against the proposed 101-acre facility.
Palace Unveils Protective Tapestry Following Royal Warning On Cyber Threats
The Department of Illuminated Manuscripts confirms that pouring hot wax on the server racks will keep all malicious automated technologies safely at bay.
Labour Insiders Hyperventilate Over Budget Strategy Of Twee Cosmetic Tweaks
Officials have voiced deep concern that the upcoming budget lacks ambition and relies too heavily on small-scale cost-of-living measures ahead of the next election.
Sentient Non-Compete Clauses Weep Outside Office Windows, Demand Loyalty
As legislation targets restrictive contracts, ordinary office workers hope to finally escape the gelatinous blobs of legal jargon stalking them on their commute.
Voters Advised To Place Bets With Sentient Sorting Machines To Avoid Ballot Rejection
Citizens are being urged to physically postmark their mail-in ballots and wager on their delivery speed to appease newly conscious postal equipment.
Labour Celebrates Historic Victory After Stopping Sentient Safe Seat From Walking Away
Campaign volunteers were forced to deploy an emergency net and moderate fiscal rules to prevent the heavy leather armchair from joining a recycling cooperative.
Rail Regulator Solves Delays By Banning All Trains And Letting The Tracks Rest
In a major breakthrough for transport resilience, officials have realised that the only way to achieve perfect punctuality is to abandon the concept of travel entirely.
West Coast Mainline Achieves Sentience, Rejects Wrexham Train To Focus On Its Own Wellbeing
Transport regulators have cancelled new direct routes after the railway tracks declared they are emotionally unavailable to take on any more Northern towns.
Giant Sentient Stack Of Customs Forms Wades Into Channel Begging UK To Rejoin EU
The colossal pile of paperwork has offered Britain the top bunk in parliament and promises it has been going to therapy since the breakup.
Neighbourhood Association Requires Clouds To Submit Permits Before Raining
The Maple Heights residents' committee insists that local precipitation must complement the approved beige colour palette of the subdivision.
AI Avatars Now Running European Town Councils Because Mayors Are Trapped Under Heavy Cats
Following a real mayor's digital address from detention, local politicians everywhere have realised they can send a hologram to meetings and take a very long nap.
Budget’s Two-Pronged Attack Leaves Island Asking Where To Duck
Two options for Guernsey’s 2027 budget have prompted criticism, proving that even arithmetic can arrive with a tactical formation.
Sentient Mayfair Playground Equipment Audits Fleeing Billionaires Over Unpaid Taxes
Ultra-wealthy individuals are abandoning the UK after local caviar sandboxes unionise and solid gold slides begin demanding a twenty percent VAT surcharge.
Oakland Asks The Cloud To Please Wait Outside For 45 Days While They Figure Things Out
City officials have set up folding chairs at the border for billions of uncompressed vacation photos and software updates to sit in until the moratorium is lifted.