Football Fans Informed That Joy Is A Clerical Error
A cartoonist’s observation about football’s lack of entertainment has triggered a nationwide audit of fun, paperwork and pigeon morale.
LOWER WOMBLEY, Cartoonist David Squires commented on Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta’s view that football is not an entertainment industry. The town’s Office of Recreational Restraint then suspended all unauthorised enjoyment until further notice.
The office, formerly a cupboard with three stamps inside it, said spectators must prove they know the difference between sport and having a nice afternoon. Eustace Crumb, Deputy Registrar of Unnecessary Seriousness, called it “a sensible response to the dangerous outbreak of people expecting to be entertained.”
At the municipal viewing shed, fans received Form 18B. It asked them to list every emotion felt during a match, including mild interest. Anyone admitting to excitement was sent to a waiting room, where a beige envelope explained that football is hard work and that the envelope had suffered more.
“Football is hard work, and the envelope has suffered more.”
The town’s pigeons backed the policy. They have unionised as Winged Spectators Local 0-0. Their secretary, Maud Peckett, said the birds would watch football only with formal recognition, better crumbs and “at least one goal celebration conducted entirely through respectful nodding.”
Things have deteriorated at the turnstiles. The left-hand one, speaking through a small brass trumpet, said it was tired of being treated as a gateway to enjoyment when its real work involved counting people and occasionally swallowing a scarf. It has filed a grievance seeking weekends, counselling and a lock that does not judge.
The scoreboard went further and applied for emotional leave after being told to show both the score and an appropriate level of disappointment. Officials rejected the application on the grounds that numbers have no legal right to moods. The scoreboard replied by displaying 2-1 in a font that appeared to sigh.
Clive Parnaby, who had been standing nearby, said he had arrived for football and now seemed to be attending “a disciplinary hearing for happiness.” By late afternoon, the office had approved one brief smile, provided two stewards witnessed it and filed it immediately. The pigeons remain on strike. The turnstiles are bitter, and nobody has located the ball.